Pride and prejudice

I guess its been some time since I dared to whine.. so I'll whine in this secret post.

Sigh.. i finally realise what I am missing. Friends. Mind you, I'm not completely insane. I know I do have people who care about me -as far as friends go, anyway. But I doubt they will stick with me... until the end. That they will really go all out to help me... and that, if I were sane, would not go all out to aid anyway. No, not those.. like Anlin, like Augustine, like Yingying, like anyone else... no one I can truly, freely connect with, can talk with forever, can enjoy the prescence of AND who also enjoys my mere prescence as well. Not in real life. Messenger is a sad replica of life.. so it does not count. No, not Joseph, who only talks with me a while.. who talks with me about silly things most of the time, but ... I don't enjoy i that much, and I doubt he does either. Not Margaret, cos I barely enjoy her prescence... I think I am prejudiced against her. Poor girl.
Not Anlin, not AC people, not even my Fairfield people, whom I'm pressed hard to understand who really even is close enough to me. No one, nowhere, not even my current class. I'm alone, in this society, in this world, I am alone. I live alone and I die alone.... sigh.

No one will believe I can, and will, make great sacrifices as a friend. No one, I think, and for all my pride, I am afraid to ask... it will either confirm my fears, or affect our friendship, for the limited value it could be worth... No one I can say really shares my thoughts, and who trusts me as I trust them, wholeheartedly... no one, as far as I can tell... maybe because I barely trust people completely. I am afraid to shatter the hopes of the people who I think rely on me for support, but perhaps I am an idiot, haha. I always have been... and I always like to pretend I'm invincible. Perhaps that pride will destroy me.. lol. Maybe ... it already has.

I am empty, prejudiced, sick... I will die, soon. I am dead.. only a matter of time....

Sigh...