IDIOTA

Yes I am one indeed. I've just realised that today.
Somehow after I came out of NS, I thought I was no longer that whiny, pessimistic, sloppy and emotional piece of crap I used to be. That I was now far more immune to emotional breakdowns, whims and pain. That I was some kind of new man.

I guess I'm wrong. I really am. I thought I could help people if I tried this time, and not make a mess of things. But like Zidane ( who was at least a star before he did stupid things) I do things on a whim. I gave up a lot of money on one, I became an army laughing stock on one, and now, I risk losing a friend on one.
She was hurt, yet again, and I thought I could help her. But of all the ideas I could come up with, this one is one of the worst. I was arrogant, thinking I was smart, thinking I was being a good friend. I was self-centred, thinking more about myself, about how I could prove myself a friend if I could do it. I was anything but a friend, the kind she needed, to just be there, to just help take her mind off all this madness. Instead I screwed myself up, and maybe even her. I'm not sure.. but I hurt her again, as if she needed any more. I was paranoid, obsessive, stupid. Clumsy with my words just like I am with my actions. And if anything, I'm sorry for all that I've done. But I fear I might be too late.

I'm not sure what she would make of this. I don't think she wants to speak to me, at least for a while. I don't know if she even trusts me anymore, or if she ever wants to remain my friend. I don't know what to know. All I know is that I'm just as whiny, just as pathetic a human being as I was before, if only slightly more controlled, a little wiser, but not enough. I've hurt too many people in my life, I don't want to do that anymore. But I guess that's not possible, because I'm just me.

If she is reading this, I just want to say.. I'm sorry. I really am. I have no excuses for what I said, but all I can do is apologise. Sorry..