Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there! Well ok I think I'm late. Maybe by a day, two days, or a whole year, I'm not sure.. to be honest I've forgotten the date for Mother's Day. Sigh.. too many things for a forgetful one to remember. Anyway, for today's entry, I read an old Mother's Day book that me and my siblings decorated once, a long long long long time ago, and came across this line..
' God created mothers because he could not be everywhere'
I think it's a lovely line, so I've been thinking about my own mother.. and personally I think she had to be a saint, along with my grandmother, for actually keeping me this long. Sure, I was an easy enough baby ( they said I slept most of the time so no trouble) but being lazy and forgetful and often whiny and hot-tempered, I think I made the most trouble during my kid-to-teenage years. And now I'm still lazy, though not hot-tempered, and I've hurt my own mother more times than would be qualified as nice. ( I'm surprised Santa Claus hasn't sent me a bag of poisonous snakes yet. Oh well, I'm still keeping the anti-venom just in case) Yet she still manages to keep a happy face, even though I still disappoint her. She flares up a lot and she still does, getting frustrated because she's a very fussy person, and also because I'm not a very tidy one. I really wonder why she can still stand me, and still makes an effort to be cheerful when I actually do tidy up something, or do something like wash the dishes or hang the clothes.
Hm, well given that little tribute to my mother, I also wonder about something else. Where does the love we had as a child go to? We used to adore everything.. mummy, daddy, butterflies, cats, dogs, ninja turtles and GI Joes and just about everything. Girls ( ok not all of them maybe) think about being nurses, princesses waiting for their prince in shining armour, models, and boys think about being soldiers, doctors, and said princes in shining armour. When we grow old the idea of being a lawyer, politician, bank manager, guy/girl who looks busy in a cubicle, or Director of the Board of Fancy Names for People Who Have Grand Titles But Don't Do Anything sounds a lot more attractive. And we lose appreciation for things around us, for people who do things for us, or who take care of us. Where does all of it go to? Perhaps it goes to our drive to make more money, invest in stocks, rise in position, gather fame and popularity, work toward an ideal we might not really understand, '" For the Greater Good" or for fun, laughter, peace and joy ( which also tends to disappear when we lose our interest in things) . Or it goes to a new child somewhere, who becomes blissfully innocent and naive, but is a lot happier not knowing anything than us mature, intelligent adults will ever be knowing everything around us. Knowledge is power, but it's not always a good thing. When you know there's poverty and that everyone could potentially be a cheat, and that war is a disease and that taxes are rising and that honour and glory are just words people throw around to get other people to kill for them, and that Santa Claus is a story made up by scheming marketing industries everywhere to get you to waste your precious funds which will also be heavily taxed and fined and scrutinised so you don't take home any more than 50% of what you really earn, that pretty looking daisy doesn't seem as important anymore, and neither does dancing around it seem useful, or make any sense. So I'm not really a fan of those ' power learning' techniques where you play Mozart to a pregnant woman to make her child smarter, or make them take special courses meant to boost their learning speed so they can discuss the effect of Bush's policies on the US economy and environment by the time they're 5, and when they hit 12 they get a Master's in political science or business but can't name the ninja turtles, or even know who spongebob is. Or recall a moment where they didn't have a care in the world.
Freak, I've turned even Mother's Day into a political debate. ARGHHHHH KILL ME!!!
Well anyway happy Mother's Day!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Lost.
I think I've lost something.
Or more specifically, someone. It was maybe 2 or 3 years back, or more, that we started talking the way we used to. Her stories about her life in school made my life so much more interesting, and I felt like there was someone who really appreciated me listening to her. We talked about nonsense, about the funny fat lady over at the roadside, about her friends and mine and about everything else, especially about teachers and models and bimbos and whatever there was on this planet that could be talked about. We acted like the two most retarded idiots on the planet and listened to each other and it was fun and life was much more interesting, and I actually had a member in the family I cared about for once, that I knew I would miss once she was gone.
Well, now it seems she might be. She trusted me and thought she was helping me and I destroyed her, broke her heart into two and then shoved it back to her. She was crying and I did not have the humility to say I'm sorry, and I thought it would be easy to forget this ever happened. I was wrong.. now she doesn't talk to me like we used to. I try to joke and be as silly as ever but she only shows as much interest as a person talking to a mental patient.. like for once she sees me like the public does, as an idiot, a good for nothing. Not someone who's funny , or weird but still generally a nice person. No, she now thinks I'm weird in an unacceptable way. A freak, maybe. I think maybe I'm only assuming this, but given the way she acts these few days it might be true.. I might finally be in the list of people she hates for good, a despicable being. And all this for one bloody dollar and the temptation of games and the Internet. Yes, I lied to her. Yes, I denied it vehemently and even questioned her morals when in truth she was only trying to help me. Yes, I was a bastard.. I was too proud to see I was sorry, and now I really am, because I've lost the only person that I know I could talk to face to face without any concern, without anything to be sensitive about, without any qualms or any care in the world and laugh like a madman and go nuts, and act like a serious nutjob and not care.
If this goes on life is going to be a lot harder, and colder, and sad. I miss my little sister already.. I hope she can only forgive me and we can talk like we used to.
Or more specifically, someone. It was maybe 2 or 3 years back, or more, that we started talking the way we used to. Her stories about her life in school made my life so much more interesting, and I felt like there was someone who really appreciated me listening to her. We talked about nonsense, about the funny fat lady over at the roadside, about her friends and mine and about everything else, especially about teachers and models and bimbos and whatever there was on this planet that could be talked about. We acted like the two most retarded idiots on the planet and listened to each other and it was fun and life was much more interesting, and I actually had a member in the family I cared about for once, that I knew I would miss once she was gone.
Well, now it seems she might be. She trusted me and thought she was helping me and I destroyed her, broke her heart into two and then shoved it back to her. She was crying and I did not have the humility to say I'm sorry, and I thought it would be easy to forget this ever happened. I was wrong.. now she doesn't talk to me like we used to. I try to joke and be as silly as ever but she only shows as much interest as a person talking to a mental patient.. like for once she sees me like the public does, as an idiot, a good for nothing. Not someone who's funny , or weird but still generally a nice person. No, she now thinks I'm weird in an unacceptable way. A freak, maybe. I think maybe I'm only assuming this, but given the way she acts these few days it might be true.. I might finally be in the list of people she hates for good, a despicable being. And all this for one bloody dollar and the temptation of games and the Internet. Yes, I lied to her. Yes, I denied it vehemently and even questioned her morals when in truth she was only trying to help me. Yes, I was a bastard.. I was too proud to see I was sorry, and now I really am, because I've lost the only person that I know I could talk to face to face without any concern, without anything to be sensitive about, without any qualms or any care in the world and laugh like a madman and go nuts, and act like a serious nutjob and not care.
If this goes on life is going to be a lot harder, and colder, and sad. I miss my little sister already.. I hope she can only forgive me and we can talk like we used to.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
The ends justify the means?
About dynamite) "As soon as men find that in one instant whole armies can be utterly destroyed, they surely will abide by golden peace."
— Alfred Nobel
(1833-1896) Swedish inventor - inventor of dynamite; left most of his fortune to establish Nobel Prizes; awards are granted every year in Stockholm, Sweden
"Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever before, died yesterday."
- French Newspaper with a premature obituary- this was also apparently the line that made Alfred think he might need to find a better legacy to leave behind, and thus the Nobel Prize.
PS: We have nuclear weapons ( aka. nukes) now. One nuke = one city gone in the push of a red button. But the fighting still goes on... maybe we need better nukes. Or a nuke in the hands of every civilian.. hmm.
" Give me back my cookie!" * other kid sticks tongue out* " You're mean!!! I Hate you!!" * little kid presses button and nukes city*
PPS: Is it me or does the word " nuke" sound dirty when you use it a lot? As in it sounds like foul language. Like the f word, or the a word, or the b word, or the c, d, e.... uh, never mind.
His theory might have worked if not for insane people, the utterly stupid, the ability to hide everything from other countries or people, the prescence of entire countries and governments that close both eyes to what happens, and the fact that annihilating the entire country to stop the local army from killing the innocent is about as criminal as being apathetic about it, if not worse. A lot of theories don't work ( eg: Communism) because people aren't perfect, nor are they actually logical most of the time. Example - I have one day left to exams, and I'm blogging. Bravo. I wonder what they'll write on my obituary. " Person who didn't do anything with his life died yesterday. Maybe he's actually more useful fertilising the flowers."
— Alfred Nobel
(1833-1896) Swedish inventor - inventor of dynamite; left most of his fortune to establish Nobel Prizes; awards are granted every year in Stockholm, Sweden
"Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever before, died yesterday."
- French Newspaper with a premature obituary- this was also apparently the line that made Alfred think he might need to find a better legacy to leave behind, and thus the Nobel Prize.
PS: We have nuclear weapons ( aka. nukes) now. One nuke = one city gone in the push of a red button. But the fighting still goes on... maybe we need better nukes. Or a nuke in the hands of every civilian.. hmm.
" Give me back my cookie!" * other kid sticks tongue out* " You're mean!!! I Hate you!!" * little kid presses button and nukes city*
PPS: Is it me or does the word " nuke" sound dirty when you use it a lot? As in it sounds like foul language. Like the f word, or the a word, or the b word, or the c, d, e.... uh, never mind.
His theory might have worked if not for insane people, the utterly stupid, the ability to hide everything from other countries or people, the prescence of entire countries and governments that close both eyes to what happens, and the fact that annihilating the entire country to stop the local army from killing the innocent is about as criminal as being apathetic about it, if not worse. A lot of theories don't work ( eg: Communism) because people aren't perfect, nor are they actually logical most of the time. Example - I have one day left to exams, and I'm blogging. Bravo. I wonder what they'll write on my obituary. " Person who didn't do anything with his life died yesterday. Maybe he's actually more useful fertilising the flowers."
If I survive this year...
I won't repeat the mistakes I've made through the year. HAH! As if I'll ever do that.... sigh. Nope, I'll probably repeat them as usual.
Is there ever a balance with doing the things you want to do, and doing things with other people that you want to hang out with, and then doing the things you're supposed to do? That balance is probably what everyone struggles with, but we make mistakes planning our own balance. And I think I've made a major mistake in doing so this year.. suffice to say, it's a little late to realise that. Being a person who, it seems, has ended up proving that he is, in fact, a loser ( in all sense of the word. I actually accept defeat a lot, rather than try to win because it takes more effort to try.. and I think I've lost a lot more because of that) ... I don't know what I really have left now.
Yes this is depressing. I am depressing, possibly a bit depressed for realising it. * sigh* I think I did work hard for a few things this year, but gave them up too easily. And mostly stupidly.
Maybe I should stop caring that this is happening, and accept the ultimate defeat.
You wish. Nope. Going to live on, screw myself up every day of existence, and possibly and hopefully get some moments where I don't hate myself entirely. Meanwhile, time to die for a good 2 weeks more.
Is there ever a balance with doing the things you want to do, and doing things with other people that you want to hang out with, and then doing the things you're supposed to do? That balance is probably what everyone struggles with, but we make mistakes planning our own balance. And I think I've made a major mistake in doing so this year.. suffice to say, it's a little late to realise that. Being a person who, it seems, has ended up proving that he is, in fact, a loser ( in all sense of the word. I actually accept defeat a lot, rather than try to win because it takes more effort to try.. and I think I've lost a lot more because of that) ... I don't know what I really have left now.
Yes this is depressing. I am depressing, possibly a bit depressed for realising it. * sigh* I think I did work hard for a few things this year, but gave them up too easily. And mostly stupidly.
Maybe I should stop caring that this is happening, and accept the ultimate defeat.
You wish. Nope. Going to live on, screw myself up every day of existence, and possibly and hopefully get some moments where I don't hate myself entirely. Meanwhile, time to die for a good 2 weeks more.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Decisions and myself.
Yep, basically talking about these two.
Note: Basically a confession and a little bit of a sarcastic post. Read at your own risk.
Decisions are the bane of my life. Honestly, I can't decide on a lot of things. I want to do something and halfway I need to do something else. I always have at any one time about 10 things hanging that I wanted to do but never had the discipline to finish.. kind of like how I always like to slow down before the finish line in runs.. is it because I'm afraid of finishing things? Is there such a phobia? Well right now where it's landed me is in the middle of nowhere.. I'm not good at anything, I don't know anything that I should, am in a course I suddenly don't want to study, and in the middle of doing a lot of things I've yet to finish. And sometimes I've been lazy enough ( in fact, most of the time I have been) to let others make my decisions for me.. big mistake. No one know what I really want, and honestly, right now, neither do I.
Like right now. I should be studying. I should be actually picking up my notes and doing all the assignments and tests and going to the library to read up on things.. instead, I delay everything to the last minute and suddenly decide it's a good excuse to cut myself off from the world and say oh I'm busy. The hell with that, I made myself busy.. and for what? I could have just as easily done studying in my free time instead of WoWing, or random internet games and things, and right now I could be msning without any worry or guilt. Instead I thought maybe I should cut myself from the Internet and hope it works. Yeah right. I still can't sit down and study. I still can't go through my notes and actually be interested in finishing the entire sample paper.. in short, I'm dead. 5 days left.. 5 days. Or 4 now.. or was it 3?
Either way, it's late. I shouldn't be on if I actually plan to study tommorrow, and planning is really half the fun... getting myself to stick to it is the other half. And watching it fail badly while laughing madly is the other half ( making it 150% the fun. What joy.)
If I seriously fail this year, my apologies to my friends who supported me for the exams, and to my parents who have been pushing me hard to study AND paid for my exam fees, and to everyone who's ever been concerned about my results. And also to myself for doing a horrible job of living. ( No I'm not going to die just yet though. What, and you think I was going to spare the rest of the world from suffering my existence? HAH. Not so easy.)
Note: Basically a confession and a little bit of a sarcastic post. Read at your own risk.
Decisions are the bane of my life. Honestly, I can't decide on a lot of things. I want to do something and halfway I need to do something else. I always have at any one time about 10 things hanging that I wanted to do but never had the discipline to finish.. kind of like how I always like to slow down before the finish line in runs.. is it because I'm afraid of finishing things? Is there such a phobia? Well right now where it's landed me is in the middle of nowhere.. I'm not good at anything, I don't know anything that I should, am in a course I suddenly don't want to study, and in the middle of doing a lot of things I've yet to finish. And sometimes I've been lazy enough ( in fact, most of the time I have been) to let others make my decisions for me.. big mistake. No one know what I really want, and honestly, right now, neither do I.
Like right now. I should be studying. I should be actually picking up my notes and doing all the assignments and tests and going to the library to read up on things.. instead, I delay everything to the last minute and suddenly decide it's a good excuse to cut myself off from the world and say oh I'm busy. The hell with that, I made myself busy.. and for what? I could have just as easily done studying in my free time instead of WoWing, or random internet games and things, and right now I could be msning without any worry or guilt. Instead I thought maybe I should cut myself from the Internet and hope it works. Yeah right. I still can't sit down and study. I still can't go through my notes and actually be interested in finishing the entire sample paper.. in short, I'm dead. 5 days left.. 5 days. Or 4 now.. or was it 3?
Either way, it's late. I shouldn't be on if I actually plan to study tommorrow, and planning is really half the fun... getting myself to stick to it is the other half. And watching it fail badly while laughing madly is the other half ( making it 150% the fun. What joy.)
If I seriously fail this year, my apologies to my friends who supported me for the exams, and to my parents who have been pushing me hard to study AND paid for my exam fees, and to everyone who's ever been concerned about my results. And also to myself for doing a horrible job of living. ( No I'm not going to die just yet though. What, and you think I was going to spare the rest of the world from suffering my existence? HAH. Not so easy.)
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Interesting..
I know, I shouldn't be wasting time doing anything else other than studying. But last night my friend linked me to these pics... I found it rather amusing. See for yourself.. uh, just don't get too queasy.
http://i0006.photobucket.com/albums/album_02832/
http://i0006.photobucket.com/albums/album_02832/
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