Lost.

I think I've lost something.

Or more specifically, someone. It was maybe 2 or 3 years back, or more, that we started talking the way we used to. Her stories about her life in school made my life so much more interesting, and I felt like there was someone who really appreciated me listening to her. We talked about nonsense, about the funny fat lady over at the roadside, about her friends and mine and about everything else, especially about teachers and models and bimbos and whatever there was on this planet that could be talked about. We acted like the two most retarded idiots on the planet and listened to each other and it was fun and life was much more interesting, and I actually had a member in the family I cared about for once, that I knew I would miss once she was gone.

Well, now it seems she might be. She trusted me and thought she was helping me and I destroyed her, broke her heart into two and then shoved it back to her. She was crying and I did not have the humility to say I'm sorry, and I thought it would be easy to forget this ever happened. I was wrong.. now she doesn't talk to me like we used to. I try to joke and be as silly as ever but she only shows as much interest as a person talking to a mental patient.. like for once she sees me like the public does, as an idiot, a good for nothing. Not someone who's funny , or weird but still generally a nice person. No, she now thinks I'm weird in an unacceptable way. A freak, maybe. I think maybe I'm only assuming this, but given the way she acts these few days it might be true.. I might finally be in the list of people she hates for good, a despicable being. And all this for one bloody dollar and the temptation of games and the Internet. Yes, I lied to her. Yes, I denied it vehemently and even questioned her morals when in truth she was only trying to help me. Yes, I was a bastard.. I was too proud to see I was sorry, and now I really am, because I've lost the only person that I know I could talk to face to face without any concern, without anything to be sensitive about, without any qualms or any care in the world and laugh like a madman and go nuts, and act like a serious nutjob and not care.

If this goes on life is going to be a lot harder, and colder, and sad. I miss my little sister already.. I hope she can only forgive me and we can talk like we used to.